Tmbg Cant Bear to Kill You Again

Hither are the earth'south best, funniest, silliest short jokes, one-liners, puns and funny phrases. Enjoyed best with a glass of York Gin available here

Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular?  Because horses are rubbish at drawing.

I used to supply Filofaxes to the mafia. I was involved in very organised offense.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said: Thanks. I said: Don't mention it.

I detest Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

What's the departure betwixt in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

When my wife said she was leaving me because of my Monkees obsession I thought she was joking.
So I saw her confront.

What's dark-brown and runny?
Usain Bolt

I tin't stand being in a wheelchair.

The cross-eyed instructor had problem controlling his pupils.

I accept kleptomania, but when information technology gets bad, I take something for it.

A German asks for a martini.
'Dry?' asks the barman.
He replies: 'Nein – merely one.'

What's pocket-sized, ruby-red and whispers?
A hoarse radish.

What's the all-time thing near Switzerland?
Don't know, but the flag'southward a big plus.

Einstein's mum: Are y'all happy?
Einstein: Relatively.

I tried walking up a hill without a watch simply had neither the time nor the inclination.

I was wondering why I all of a sudden had pentagrams on my palms. Then I remembered: I've been using hand sataniser.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

What can recollect the unthinkable?
An itheberg.

I just got striking by a rented machine.
Information technology Hertz.

I played triangle in a reggae band merely left – it was just i ting later on another.

'I love snow. Really, I detest snow.'
– Bi-polar bear

Information technology's a disgrace that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses fabricated of their own flesh.

Say what yous want nearly deaf people …

I know a lot of jokes well-nigh unemployed people – but none of them work.

Legal fetishist gets off on a technicality.

I'k addicted to restriction fluid but I can terminate whenever I want.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then information technology struck me.

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.
I wonder what she's up to at present.

Knock knock.
Who'south at that place?
To.
To who?
To whom.

Drugs don't kill people – people who run out of drugs impale people.

You've got to hand it to bullheaded prostitutes.

I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting – merely all the seats were taken.

Roman: A martinus please.
Barman: You lot mean a martini?
Roman: If I'd wanted a double, I'd've asked for one.

Abdicate, v. To give up all promise of ever having a flat stomach.

A human being said to me: 'I'm going to attack y'all with the cervix of a guitar.'
I said: 'Is that a fret?'

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.

'Depict yourself in three words. Lazy.

I wonder what 'DON'T TOUCH' is in Braille.

I've just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
The first couple of chapters were atrocious, just by the finish I loved it.

I asked the doctor to give me something for persistent wind.
He gave me a kite.
'I'chiliad sad' and 'I apologise' mean the aforementioned thing – unless you're at a funeral.

Don't yous hate it when people answer their own questions? I exercise.

Research shows that 6 out of seven dwarves aren't Happy.

'This is your captain speaking. AND THIS IS YOUR Captain SHOUTING.'

Velcro – what a rip-off.

My dyslexia has but hit a new owl.
Why can't y'all make wearing apparel out of cheese?
Because fromage frays.

'I stand up corrected,' said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

My dad's started p*ssing with the door open.
Which is a fleck inconvenient when I'1000 driving him home.

My pencil isn't prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.

What Iran needs now is a more mod, moderate leader – a Mullah Calorie-free.

Room service? Ship up a larger room.

The quickest style to a man'south center is through his chest.

Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star?
He died by choking on his own Vimto.

Where in that location'due south a will, there'south a relative.

Information technology'southward difficult explaining puns to kleptomaniacs – they're always taking things literally.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never once more.

Masochist: 'Hurt me.' Sadist: 'No.'

Make the little things count – teach maths to midgets.

Training H is pretty good – on the hole.

Criminal offence in multi-storey car parks is wrong on and then many different levels.

Conjunctivitis.com – that's a site for sore eyes.

Change is inevitable – except from vending machines.

To err is man. To blame it on someone else shows direction potential.

Wife: What'due south on the telly?
Husband: Dust.

I went shopping for some cover-up trousers, just I couldn't discover any.

A woman asks the barman for a double-entendre. So he gives her i.

A plateau is the highest class of flattery.

The police arrested two kids yesterday, 1 was drinking bombardment acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and permit the other i off.

The dentist said: 'Say Ahhh.'
I said: 'Why?'
He said: 'My domestic dog's died.'

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has whatever luggage.
The photon replies: 'No, I'm travelling calorie-free.'

Jesus goes into a hotel.
He easily the receptionist three nails and says: 'Can you put me up for the night?'

I want to die like dad – peacefully in my sleep.
Not like mum – screaming in terror in the passenger seat.

I called my lawyer and said: 'Can I ask you ii questions?' He said: 'Of course. What'due south the 2nd question?'

My ultra-sensitive toothpaste gets really jealous when I use other toothpastes.

I asked the gym instructor 'Can you teach me to practise the splits?'
He said: 'How flexible are yous?'
I said: 'I can't do Tuesdays.'

The by, the present and the time to come were having an argument. It was tense.

I took the wife's family out for tea and biscuits.
They weren't as well happy almost having to give blood though.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Pavlov is sitting at a bar when his phone rings.
He exclaims: 'Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs.'

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Source: https://simonhenry1.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/best-jokes-to-make-you-smile-laugh-giggle-and-possibly-wet-yourself/